I know people older than me reading this are going to smack me when they see me next, but I have to say it. This will go down in my personal vanity chronicles as the year I got physically old.
Here are the Top 10 things I’ve noticed cropping up in 2007:
Here are the Top 10 things I’ve noticed cropping up in 2007:
- Forehead lines – It is rude, so rude, to have shiny, greasy head at this age and then also have age lines. WTF?
- Thinning hair – Could be the Lupus, but I glanced at the back of my head the other day and saw a little baldy spot from a bad part. :o
- Loose neck skin – Oh, this one REALLY pains me. My inner chicken is pecking its way out through my neck. It’s just a wee little bit stretchy under there. And if I lose 3 pounds, it’s just a little more noticeable than before. I don’t like to think that adding weight on is going to be a “younger neck” strategy in my future.
- Intolerance to sun – Also probably Lupus, but I don’t “tan” so much as “rash.”
- Hands – Vein-y + age spots. Not horrid, but clearly not the Country Crock hand model either.
- Spreading ass -- I’m not talking about me getting fat here. I mean like this bizarre bone spreading that’s going on. My ass is flat as ever, but somehow . . . wider.
- Looser skin above the knee – Saggy thigh-over-knee is coming. Not yet here, but on its way.
- Darker face hair – I now wax my face more than I care to acknowledge.
- Gray, gray, gray hair and lots of it.
- Love handles – Every donut I eat collects at my waist and never leaves.
4 Comments:
oddly enough.. YOUR old.. is better than 95% of young....
I think you'll be okay=)
Yeah, you may be older than you were yesterday, but you're still hot.
Don't pretend like you don't know it!!!
Thank you ladies! You rock!
1. Okay you don't have age lines. Check back with me when you look like a Shar-Pei. BTW, do Shar-Peis lose their wrinkles as they get older or do they add them on? And if it's the latter, where do they fit in those extra wrinkles?
2. Thinning hair, well not so fun. However, we could single-handedly usher in the era of the wigs. I remember my Mother in the 1970s – she had a red shag, a blond bob, and a black curly wig. Poor Mom had dark brown, stick straight hair. But she could change her look whenever she felt like it and, hey, it was the 70s, so no one was like "what the hell is up with THAT lady?"
3. Loose neck skin. Totally tragic. The upside is that you're not a smoker, so you probably won't need a tracheotomy tube to stick out and call attention to that neck. OH, just thought of another upside: jeweled chokers. Maybe even high ruffs in homage to Elizabeth I. That reminds me that the movie is coming out soon.
4. Intolerance to sun. Okay, sweetheart. I'm one of the whitest women on the face of the earth. Absolutely no pity here. I've spent the last 40 years burning or freckling if I'm stupid enough to go outside in partly cloudy weather for 5 minutes without sunblock.
5. Hand models are totally overrated.
6. I feel your pain….
7. Knees, okay again I feel your pain.
8. Face hair. Yep, that one stinks. However we could grow beards and join the circus!
9. Only you and your hairdresser need to know … and bikini waxes erase the rest of the evidence.
10. Love handles…. Gives Sage & Indy a little more to hug and to grab onto … awww!
Never mind regretting the age you are now. Look forward to your senior years instead. Just think, we get Golden Buckeye card discounts, can live in swanky retirement communities (just think of the parties and overseas trips), and we can pretend we're deaf and have a little fun.
R: I'm all packed up for my trip
P: You bought Alpacas and are cleaning up shit? What the hell is the matter with you?!
Another upside to the "pretending I'm deaf" scam: You can blow off anyone you don't want to listen to by simply walking away and acting like you don't hear them. Brilliant!
Just think: We can be as curmudgeonly and totally honest as we want. Young whippersnappers will just blame our attitude on how old we are. Think about the possibilities to tell people exactly what you think of them or their clothes. Ah, can't wait!
Post a Comment
<< Home